Follow the decision tree below to determine what type of weed you should be smoking right now, then find the strain description in the alphabetical list below.
The hallmarks here are the taste of set-out Fujis and a dense body melt that sedates without a knockout, ideal for everything from that Cirque du Soleil show about frogs to a matinee viewing of Twilight 7: The Breakening, which is the one where they get divorced.
Blue City Diesel
Don’t listen to the naysayers, baby, because this is the big city, where dreams are coming true all over the place. Go on, make friends with that alluring guy or gal down a few stools. You’ve got moxie!
We can talk all day about how weed relieves pain and stops seizures, but everyone knows the best thing about being high is when every bite of food feels as if it was prepared and gingerly placed on your tongue by Selaphiel, Chef King of the Angel Babies.
Cinex smells like sitting down to a blueberry muffin at a coffee house with a bunch of weed in your pocket. Sounds nice, right? Now smoke some and watch HBO.
It’s called the Flav, and the aroma hints at rubbed sage. You should smoke it before fucking, is what we’re trying to say.
The smoke isn’t delicious, but LSD combines a soothing body press with a tightly focused head rush and long duration, which is nice when there are reports to file or laundry to fold or boulders to push up the side of a hill for all eternity.
The purple flower bakes up smooth and fruity. Like Kobe Bryant, it’s a driven, pure sativa—maybe a little too driven. You’ll respect it eventually, though, because Lucid Dream will make you respect it.
This once-rare strain is widely available around Portland, and offers an even, tasty smoke. With one of the highest CBD counts on record, it blocks pain better (or at least differently) than opiates.
The POTUS’s indica-heavy namesake supplies just the right dash of sativa spark, instilling the acuity required to travel the thoroughfares of San Andreas with sociopathic confidence.
This Oregon-bred flower is communal and encourages connection to each other and to higher powers. It’s also just a generally good way to get some decent conversation going around here once in a while, for fuck’s sake.
No strain produces consistent drive and inspiration like Sour D. Just remember to leave it home, because you will reek of herb and everyone will know you are high. Yes, even those cops.
Super Lemon Haze
Like Kevin Durant, the euphoric high and uncommon energy burst from this candied-lemon bud will have you scanning to make a pass, but then quickly realizing it’s better just to do things yourself because you are an unstoppable machine.
Super Silver Haze
Like James Harden, this strain feels spacey and not altogether present, but there’s something else, too. A fluidity. A soul.
It has the coolest strain name in existence, it produces one of the highest THC counts on record, and your ears will become direct portals to the sacred gift of musical notes played in the proper order and with appropriate timing.